College Statistics that I Missed

So, today I actually started enrolling in an online course. This one is called "Statistics: Making Sense of Data" (https://www.coursera.org/course/introstats)

What's special? I mean of course else than the fact that I actually enroll after clicking "enroll" -_-

It's that they explain some basics that I didn't know earlier, but hesitated to ask anyone about them. Including (but not limited to):

- How to make some basic visualizations useful (such as scatter plots, box plots, and histograms)

- The origin of some basic formulas (for example why the hell we divide by n-1 instead of just n while looking for variance)

- How to deal with data with extremities (such as with trimmed data & the notion of robust measurement)

Whoever reads this must think that I'm such an idiot for not knowing these things earlier, but whatever. Hahahaha.

Up to this point, the course basically makes descriptive statistics look a lot cooler! That's real neat! I had been wondering why the hell we still used the descriptive ones when we had the inferential ones. What's more important is now I know the basics on how to use both to make sense of those messy jumbling numbers.

Oh ya, along with these conceptual lessons, they also teach you practical R, so that's one hell of an added value! So, if you're not a Statistics student, but is - a weirdo who's - attracted to such things, you may want to try it out!

P.S. 

This is the first course which announces itself to be "basic" and is aimed at novices that I find useful!

Abi

"Abi!" anak perempuan itu menjerit riang seraya menunjuk-nunjuk. Dari pintu _arrival_ seorang pria paruh baya berjalan dengan senyum lebar. Hal pertama yang dilakukannya adalah mendaratkan cium sayang untuk anaknya, lalu istrinya, tanpa memedulikan ratusan pasang mata memandang.

Si kepala keluarga tidak terlihat sempurna. Aku membayangkannya sebagai ayah yang jarang ada di rumah, ayah yang tak sempat ke sekolah bahkan untuk mengambil rapor anak perempuannya. Tetapi apa yang bisa membuat anak itu begitu bersemangat akan kedatangan ayah yang tak hadir dalam momen-momennya? Apa yang membuat istrinya tak ragu bertukar kecup di bibir di tengah-tengah kerumunan orang?

Berjalan pulang bersama dengan senyum terkembang lebar, sebuah keluarga yang tak sering kutemukan.

Menyadari bahwa satu-satunya alasan aku dapat menyaksikan kejadian ini ialah karena aku tiba lebih awal tanpa disengaja, aku merasa terberkati.

A Letter from that Confusing Girl

Dear you,

It's not your fault that's I'm that insecure of a person. It's not your fault that I need to be constantly reminded how beautiful or smart you think I am, as of for now. I know it's stupid, tiresome, frustrating...or whatever you call it. I want you to know that it's not how I want to be. You'll say that it's up to me, but it's not something I can change over night. You'll tell me not to worry, but I need something more than those words. I try, dearest, and sometimes I think I already get a hold of it, but after some time it slips away. If there's an explanation for why I change my mind so often, this is it.

Now, I'm not trying to justify my irrational thoughts or behaviors. I simply want to communicate how I feel and what I think and tell you that I think I already hold the key to the root of the problem. It all started because I didn't become what I wanted to be. In order not to feel the necessity to gain people's approval, I need to believe in myself. I need to try and thrive and succeed and it's not gonna happen in one attempt. However, when I do, I'll finally get rid of this problem. 

I'm walking towards it one step at a time. When I get there, it won't probably be you, waiting. It's okay because I know people always get to be with people at their level. Whatever I told you every time we fought, you know it's not true. You're smart and compassionate. Whatever happens at the finish line, I know for sure that I will finally be happy. I want you to be happy too.

Yours,

that girl.

Thinking Out Loud

For readers (if I still have any left), you can skip this post. This is really just me typing my depressive thoughts messily just so I won't forget so easily. You can call it a figurative rubbish.

Okay, here we go.

I started writing this at 5.17 a.m. when I promised to sleep about four hours earlier. I have just been through a series of binge watching YouTube videos. This time I started with Disney Chansons and ended up with "everybody needs to learn how to program." I was awestruck and depressed at the same time that I had to write this. How? You don't need to follow my train of thoughts. Hell, the future me may even be hella confused, but let's move on.

I think it has been a month - if not more - since I pledged to write a blog post once a day. Well this is my first since, and so you know what it means. I didn't keep the promise to myself, again. It's my main source of guilt and self-blame. I really want to grow, you know, actualize myself, and sometimes I do have the drive to do so. However, at times I see the wonderful works of others and say to myself, "Whoa, I'm never gonna be able to surpass that." 

Well you know what I'm talking about... I have always wanted to write about something useful, you know, like hard science. But then there are people like Michael with his Vsauce, Gregory & Mitch with their ASAP Science, and TED-Ed with its collaborators. That's just when social comparison crushes my willing self. (I can't believe I again used this non hard science concept to explain my situation). It's just too difficult to find a single topic that they don't already cover (and obviously do much better than I would have. After all I suck at translating difficult concepts into simpler language). My perfectionism simply takes over my withering will.

Then there are others who seem to know what exactly they want very very early. Like this guy, whose name I forgot, who at the age of 21 already became a part of (if not the lead researcher) of a linguists team studying and recording the Chimatcha, an almost extinct language spoken by native American by that time. I mean, I'm too old to still be exploring, right? I'm 22. I have an adult's responsibilities. I have to gain and it's so so late for me to learn various of things to decide what I really want to do... 

And then you know, there's this thing about myself that is concerned on how people see me. I am insecure, and you know what I'm most insecure about? That's how worthy I am as a person, you know? If I look smart enough to work with, to learn, and to adapt. I don't want to be all...empty and all.

But you know what? Well, first, there are just too many things to consider if you keep thinking about it. Just like you can't possibly read every printed book on Earth or learn every spoken language (these need statistics to look cool, but whatever), you can't master everything. If you don't start today, with one little thing, you'll end up nowhere, you know? Well ya, you're too old, but with every day or even every second, you're not getting any younger (check the death clock website to feel even more morbid). Just recall your favorite blogger, Tim, from Wait But Why. You remember he said the difference between a procrastinator and a normal person is probably just one hour of a morning exercise or one page of a book, but by the end of the year they already become a fit person or an author. It could have been you.

Second, don't give a flying fuck about what people think, man! You have seen those people, madam Curie, Zuckerberg, von Ahn, Musk, the founder of YouTube and blah blah the list goes on infinitely. They succeeded not because they wanted to success, but because they did what they loved doing. They did not succeed all at once, but they had the persistence to get up every time life pushed them down because of what else? You have studied what an intrinsic motivation can do and don't use it for your advantage? You can't be that stupid. 

Nevertheless, there are few things you need to remember. 

First of all, don't be too cocky. You wouldn't learn anything new even if you were half as pride as you are right now. Sometimes it's best to believe that you know nothing so you will be open to everything around you. 

Second of all, stop feeling like shit all the time. You know you're not so bad. Remember that favorite lecturer who never lectured? He did tell you that every person felt jealous of every other person at some aspect or another, at some point of the time, right? Yeah well hold onto that. Someone somewhere is jealous about something you have right now. Besides, if you believe that everyone has something to teach you, well, then it also means you have something to teach anyone, right?

Third and last, never, ever put up expectations on results, man. You just gotta keep doing and doing. You can't just put up non-realistic expectations relative to your effort (yeah damn right you can't fluently speak French in 2 years if all you do is merely gaining 30xp a day). Always sync up goal with action plan that is, actually acted upon, not planned. 

Oh, and last little note to self: love yourself. Stop running around chasing people's approvals or likes or cuddles or anything because you know yourself longer than anybody else. 

Someone Gone

August 2nd, 2015.

Today is the day she was born, for how long ago I don't remember. I don't remember when she came into this world or when she left. At times, the fact that I don't remember makes me feel so guilty because I don't know if the reason is I never really cared about her.

She loved me. She had always been loving me. She didn't like to say it out loud, but everything she did for me shows that she loved me a little bit too much than she should. She gave me so much and she continues to give now even when she's gone. If not for her, I wouldn't be where I am right now. I could be in some restaurant run by a capitalist, waiting on tables and wiping them clean. She gives so much, that everytime I get sad recalling her, I'm afraid that's because I selfishly don't want her to leave me alone.

It's hard not to be a theist upon recalling her. I find myself wanting to believe that she's somewhere else than deep down the ground. I want to believe that she had to leave because leaving would take her somewhere she wouldn't be hurt anymore. I want to believe that if I pray, she'll be able to hear.

More than everything, I want to believe that I'll see her again someday when my time comes.

Literally Addicted

Dear, you.
What I'm feeling right now is indescribably uncomfortable and I want you to know that it's your fault.
Do you even have any idea what you did to me?

I had been dependent on your presence to be happy. I was just like a lab rodent with you as the lever I kept pressing to inject some drugs voluntarily right into my brain.

Then, just like any addict would, I developed tolerance. I wanted more and more of you. I needed more and more of you. You knew what was happening to me

But even so, you left.

I crave for you. Upon your disappearance, I experienced what clearly were withdrawal symptoms. You know the reward system in my brain already ceased the dopamine level released in normal state because you simply gave too much.

It hurt, dear. I started being with you to get high..and now I need to be with you not to get low. You, leaving, left a huge figurative hole in my chest. It wasn't sadness, no. You took the part of me that could feel sad along with you.

At least with sadness, I could have been whole.

I tried to cure myself, dear, but the best I could do was finding your surrogates. Among all of them, romantic fiction books are the least harmful ones. At least every 26 pages, I may find a phrase that elicit the sensation similar (but not exactly the same) to what you gave to me. It's exhilaration, dear. It's the very thing that makes me feel whole again, at least for the time being.

In relief, I realize that I have found my new lever.

Probably the only difference I have with the lab rodent is that I realize what's happening to me. I realize that too much drug will kill me someday. However, very much like the lab rodent, I simply don't care. I just keep pressing, and pressing, and pressing...

The Days of a (Seemingly) Perfect Couple #1

It was yet another holiday we spent together.

To be honest, I can't really say that this one was spent together. We were together in the same room, all right, on a carpet just next to our bed, leaning to each other's back. We were doing the same activity: playing The Sims; only on separate laptops on each of our laps.

Other people don't understand why we do this, but we have been doing this since the day I knew him and we love it. I remember that I glanced at the clock and mentally noted that that day's mutual activity had been going on for 40 minutes before he finally broke the silence.

"Ren," he called. "Hmm?" I replied while putting my laptop down and then turned to his screen behind him. I knew his geeky side was gonna strike again and I was ready to give him my reward (as any good Skinnerian behaviorist would).

"Did you ever realize how unrealistic The Sims features are?" he asked, proving that I really could read him like an open book. I rubbed my palms against his shoulders and proceeded to squeeze lightly, giving him the gentle shoulder massage I knew he loved. "Tell me," I said.

"Well, look. We can learn a skill to maximum point in just one day. Then, even though we don't rehearse over time, the skill won't decline."

I rounded my arms around his neck from behind and leaned to him. "Umm yes, I agree about the learning duration part, but you can see that skill set such as cooking and cleaning actually need procedural memory, just like riding a bike, right? So, you can't really forget those."

"Hmm, then what about this?" he persisted, pointing at the needs bar. "Sleeping restores energy? You know so well that sleeping depletes energy, no matter how little calories it burns. Eating AND breathing restore energy."

At this point I couldn't contain myself and grinned. "Dear, you're playing as a werewolf AND complaining about how unrealistic the needs bar is?" I then kissed his right shoulder lightly and turned back to my game. He laughed. "Well, it's a whole different thing, Ren," he said turning and gave me a light kiss on the corner of my lips.

He then turned back and again was focused at his game as if nothing happened while I had to try hard not to blush. I picked my laptop again to place on my lap and said, "Do you really think people would love such a realistic feature if there were one? After all, we all are here to escape reality."

He chuckled. "You got a point."

I was back to my game, to the "little us", the characters I created to resemble us both as similar to reality as possible. He knew that I had done that. What he didn't know was that I made my character shyly kiss his every time he did to me in reality.

Oh, I sure know that I play games to escape reality; a reality where I can't let him see how weak I can be in front of him.