For readers (if I still have any left), you can skip this post. This is really just me typing my depressive thoughts messily just so I won't forget so easily. You can call it a figurative rubbish.
Okay, here we go.
I started writing this at 5.17 a.m. when I promised to sleep about four hours earlier. I have just been through a series of binge watching YouTube videos. This time I started with Disney Chansons and ended up with "everybody needs to learn how to program." I was awestruck and depressed at the same time that I had to write this. How? You don't need to follow my train of thoughts. Hell, the future me may even be hella confused, but let's move on.
I think it has been a month - if not more - since I pledged to write a blog post once a day. Well this is my first since, and so you know what it means. I didn't keep the promise to myself, again. It's my main source of guilt and self-blame. I really want to grow, you know, actualize myself, and sometimes I do have the drive to do so. However, at times I see the wonderful works of others and say to myself, "Whoa, I'm never gonna be able to surpass that."
Well you know what I'm talking about... I have always wanted to write about something useful, you know, like hard science. But then there are people like Michael with his Vsauce, Gregory & Mitch with their ASAP Science, and TED-Ed with its collaborators. That's just when social comparison crushes my willing self. (I can't believe I again used this non hard science concept to explain my situation). It's just too difficult to find a single topic that they don't already cover (and obviously do much better than I would have. After all I suck at translating difficult concepts into simpler language). My perfectionism simply takes over my withering will.
Then there are others who seem to know what exactly they want very very early. Like this guy, whose name I forgot, who at the age of 21 already became a part of (if not the lead researcher) of a linguists team studying and recording the Chimatcha, an almost extinct language spoken by native American by that time. I mean, I'm too old to still be exploring, right? I'm 22. I have an adult's responsibilities. I have to gain and it's so so late for me to learn various of things to decide what I really want to do...
And then you know, there's this thing about myself that is concerned on how people see me. I am insecure, and you know what I'm most insecure about? That's how worthy I am as a person, you know? If I look smart enough to work with, to learn, and to adapt. I don't want to be all...empty and all.
But you know what? Well, first, there are just too many things to consider if you keep thinking about it. Just like you can't possibly read every printed book on Earth or learn every spoken language (these need statistics to look cool, but whatever), you can't master everything. If you don't start today, with one little thing, you'll end up nowhere, you know? Well ya, you're too old, but with every day or even every second, you're not getting any younger (check the death clock website to feel even more morbid). Just recall your favorite blogger, Tim, from Wait But Why. You remember he said the difference between a procrastinator and a normal person is probably just one hour of a morning exercise or one page of a book, but by the end of the year they already become a fit person or an author. It could have been you.
Second, don't give a flying fuck about what people think, man! You have seen those people, madam Curie, Zuckerberg, von Ahn, Musk, the founder of YouTube and blah blah the list goes on infinitely. They succeeded not because they wanted to success, but because they did what they loved doing. They did not succeed all at once, but they had the persistence to get up every time life pushed them down because of what else? You have studied what an intrinsic motivation can do and don't use it for your advantage? You can't be that stupid.
Nevertheless, there are few things you need to remember.
First of all, don't be too cocky. You wouldn't learn anything new even if you were half as pride as you are right now. Sometimes it's best to believe that you know nothing so you will be open to everything around you.
Second of all, stop feeling like shit all the time. You know you're not so bad. Remember that favorite lecturer who never lectured? He did tell you that every person felt jealous of every other person at some aspect or another, at some point of the time, right? Yeah well hold onto that. Someone somewhere is jealous about something you have right now. Besides, if you believe that everyone has something to teach you, well, then it also means you have something to teach anyone, right?
Third and last, never, ever put up expectations on results, man. You just gotta keep doing and doing. You can't just put up non-realistic expectations relative to your effort (yeah damn right you can't fluently speak French in 2 years if all you do is merely gaining 30xp a day). Always sync up goal with action plan that is, actually acted upon, not planned.
Oh, and last little note to self: love yourself. Stop running around chasing people's approvals or likes or cuddles or anything because you know yourself longer than anybody else.
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